I'm sorry vegetarian and vegan friends and family. It's not you, it's me. And the rest of us.
I've tried a couple of times to go mostly veggie, but I always stumble upon two major hurdles - bleeding red meat and bacon. Possibly together.
The way I eat meat probably qualifies me as a near-vampire, so let's park that.
Let's talk bacon for a minute.
How do we explain this love affair with what's essentially sizzling pig's fat burnt to a crisp? How do we get our heads around the fact that it's so fucking good that some religions out there ban it outright, which is always a sign for 'it's so good they want it all for themselves'. A bit like sex.
I reckon it's a primal thing. Like, it was invented when the first man (or woman, I'm not fussed) dropped the first pig carcass on the first fire and went 'fuck!' when the smell hit his nostrils. The children can have the eyes and the brain and the tongue but I'll have myself some sweet lard action.
Now people do all sorts of 'creative' stuff with it, from syrups to powders to ice creams and cup cakes (have a look here for 50 of them...). I say let them do it. So even babies can have it, and it never dies.
And if you want to go above and beyond taste, you can wear bacon. Not rashers of bacon obviously (although I've seen it done, look it up) but this lovely little number I've put together for all you guys and girls (girlie top coming soon too, don't fret).
So yeah, it's 0% Halal, 0% Kosher and 100% badass. Guaranteed.